What do you remember about your little during the early days of your match?
I remember him occasionally ducking down in the car as we left his building complex so his friends wouldn’t see him. It didn’t take long before his peers would approach him while we were getting into the car and they would ask “who’s that?’ he would respond “that’s my big brother, his NAME is Dan!”
How was your relationship grown during your time together?
My little and I have gotten to know each other so much better. He’s entirely polite, and was when I met him, so I reinforce that behavior whenever he displays it. He’s extremely quiet and I am not at all, so, we’ve kind of met in the middle. I have learned to tone it down a notch and in turn, he has gotten to where he sometimes initiates conversations, asks questions, and feels comfortable just plain bringing things up. So, from going from having to practically drag idle conversation out of him, now we talk about things that actually mean something to him.
What kinds of things have you done together?
My little and I have fished in the lake and the river. We have seen the movies “up,” “Shorts,” “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs,” “Christmas Carol,” Where the Wild Things Are,” and plan to see “Blindside” as soon as it comes out. We talk about every movie, the moral of the story, the lesions learned on the way home usually. He is really perceptive. We’ve gone to local football games. We’ve done horseback riding. We watched the Goodview Days parade. We went to the Winona Steamboat Days parade and soon found the Tilt-a-Whirl at the carnival. He had never been to a parade or on a carnival ride. He had never fished, been to a football game, or been to a movie theater. We have made a pizza from scratch and watched a DVD while eating it. Once we made baby cupcakes for the girls downtown at BB/BS and he brought the rest home to his mom. We’ve hiked, walked around the lake, played video games, and I’ve showed him some shortcuts on the computer with regard to creating files, organizing them, and general “copying, cutting and pasting” techniques. I took him recently to my mom’s 88th birthday party to meet my family, all 9 of them (and their children). He was quite comfortable and personally gave every single one of them (45) a nice “it was nice meeting you” on the way out. The most memorable thing I’ve done with my little is to attend the Taste of Winona with him. We were asked to hand out programs at the event and he was a featured speaker. We worked out a two minute speech that spoke to “What the Big Brothers Program Means To Me.” I let him do it; I did guide him somewhat but wanted it to be his words. He practiced it for two minutes more and without notes relayed it back to me while we were eating lunch. He did use notes when he got up in front of 275 people at the Auction, he was followed by a little 7-yr. old whom he knows. She borrowed a few lines of his and the auctioneer, after they spoke, asked who would pledge $500 to the BB/BS program and 3 paddles went up. “Now $250,” and 6 paddles were raised. How about $100? and 12 paddles reached for the sky. By the time he asked for $50 pledges and got about 25 they had raised upwards of $6,000 from people who had just heard my little tell them what the BB/BS program meant to him.
What changes have you noticed in your little during your time together?
My little is getting much better at actually displaying the fact that we are together as opposed to just kind of being with me at first. We would sit together at a football game and he would sit about three feet away because his peers were there, and yes, the girls too. Sometimes he would walk in front of me, especially in stores and anywhere near school-related activities. I think it has always been our race difference that he had a little bit of a problem with, he’s African-American. Recently we have been seeing previews at the movies for a film called “Blindside” with Sandra Bullock. It’s about a sultry, very unhappy woman (Sandra Bullock) who discovers a very large, young African-American male and takes him under her wing. She eventually gets him involved in football and both of their lives are changed for the better as a result. He has been excited about upcoming movies in the past, but not like this one. It is very interesting to watch this take place. He seems to want that confirmation that it is OK to have a Caucasian Big Brother, to be seen by anyone with him, to know that that person has a genuine interest in him. He asks me every week when that movie is coming to town. November 19th we will see it, I can’t wait.
What have you learned from your little?
I have learned a lot in a short period of time. We were matched in May, and I’ve learned to be consistent, measured, more patient, and to think a little more before I speak. My little comes from the Coach What Counts Program (that means the he had/has a parent in prison). Seventy percent of boys in that predicament end up in prison. So, on one hand i try to be as genuine, laid back, and well “just a pal” as I can, yet on the other I fully realize that I am in a committed relationship with a youngster who is markedly more at risk than the general population. Better to be safe than sorry has become my motto when speaking with my little, there it too much at stake. He knows when we’re letting loose and just having fun, yet he also knows that I’m a little quieter than when we met. I sometimes have to remind myself that we are together to have fun, and that I’m not his counselor, plain and simple. As long as we do that he will grow and I will grow simply by being witness to that wonderful process.
Why did you sign up for Big Brothers Big Sisters?
When I moved back to Winona in June of 2006 I wanted to do some volunteering. I got two applications, one for Restorative Justice of Winona County and one for BB/BS. I had seen them both in various Winona Post articles and soon got the applications in the mail. In reading the information it sounded like an easy decision, did I want to help one kid a lot in BB/BS, or did I want to help a lot of kids in a little Restorative Justice. I had the Restorative Justice interview first and the program coordinator was a woman I had gone to grade school and high school with! I signed up for that program and worked with teens for one-and-a-half years. Then feeling comfortable that I could take on more, and having the time to do so, I followed up with BB/BS.
What has been your favorite part of being a Big?
I feel great every time I drop off my little and get a “thank you” from his mom. He’s her oldest and she refers to him as her “backbone.” He has three younger siblings and has an example to set for them, so I feel that in whatever way I can help him I am also indirectly helping his mom and his brothers and sisters. But it’s mostly about him; it’s fun to watch him get creative in coming up with things to do that we will both like. It’s reassuring to see him slowly but surely becoming unafraid, unashamed, and/ or un-embarrassed to be seen with (no matter by whom). It’s important to see how confident he is with our consistency, it’s hard to put into words, but there is something to be said for that confidence, that reassurance, that “for certain” knowing full that Dan’s coming to have fun with me. No matter what else in his life is not consistent, my time with him will be from the time he’s 12 until he turns 18 after that it’s his call. I hope he’ll want to still keep in touch.
If there was a volunteer “on the fence” deciding whether to become a Big or not, what would you tell that person to encourage him/her to commit to being a Big?
Children do not sign up to get a Big Brother or a Big Sister, their parent or parents do. That caretaker, in some cases applies a full year, sometimes more, to get a match for their child. The mother of my little applied when he turned eleven hoping to get a match when he became eligible, it took that long. My little’s mom has plenty to do, she has four children and one on the way, she wants her “backbone” to be strong and to stay on the right path in life. She cared enough to sign him up and when she heard his match was going to be a 60-year old guy (yours truly) she told him and he responded “I don’t want a Big Brother who is older than my grandma, is he in a wheelchair?” He could have backed out then, she could have too, they didn’t and they are glad they saw it through. I have met many people since being matched and casually mentioned that I am a Big Brother. I can’t tell you how many times I heard those people say “my son/daughter had a Big Brother/Big Sister, I don’t know what we would have done without one”. I would have never guessed.
Children today have more pressure, especially from their peers than ever before. For a mere two hours a week they can receive a consistent lifetime to normalcy, a good perspective from a volunteer who is willing to make a commitment to simply have fun with them, not shower them with material things, just show up, show they care, and both benefit from the experience.